Once upon a time, about a million years ago, dating was far simpler. That isn’t to say that it was easy, but hookup culture did not yet exist, and while there were certainly bad actors and strange behaviors, they happened on a lesser scale, simply because we didn’t all have access to hundreds of potential partners at the touch of a screen.
Now we do, and modern dating is a hellscape. Ghosting is an Olympic sport, and swipe culture has gamified the way we interact with actual human beings. That same nonstop online access, though, has given rise to definitions of common behaviors. While it’s a dizzying array of terms, it can be helpful to know them, because it helps us to understand that we aren’t alone.
I therefore present the most comprehensive guide of modern dating terms that I have been able to gather. If you don’t find them helpful, then you’ll at least find them entertaining.
Alpha
Someone who listens to too many Incel podcasts. Believes themselves to be an ideal partner without knowing that the term “alpha” was initially coined to describe the hierarchy of chickens, not wolves. Bawk bawk.
Backsliding
Backsliding is when you find yourself falling back into old patterns with an ex or a situationship, even though you know you should be moving forward.
Beige Flags
Beige flags are those mildly odd traits — like not having strong opinions about anything — that don’t scream “red flag,” but still make you wonder if this person might be a little too bland.
Benching
This occurs when someone keeps you on the sidelines, maintaining casual contact and stringing you along, without ever fully committing to you or making plans for something real. Usually means they are also dating other people.
Breadcrumbing
When someone gives you just enough attention or affection to keep you interested, but never enough to actually build a real relationship. I had a year and a half on-off relationship who loved this technique. It can be very hard to identify when you’re in the middle of it.
Breezing
Breezing occurs when someone swoops into your life with minimal effort, leaves you thinking you’re having a great time, and then disappears just as quickly, like they were never there. I was breezed a few months ago. Next.
Caking
Caking in modern dating is when someone showers you with overly sweet, intense compliments and attention, only to leave you wondering if they actually like you or just have a serious sugar addiction. Like intense flirting, but apparently it’s not cool to say flirting anymore.
Carouselling
Carouselling is when someone keeps you on a never-ending loop of flirting and mixed signals, making you feel like you’re stuck on a ride that never quite reaches the end.
Catfishing
Catfishing in modern dating is when someone creates a fake online persona, luring you in with their “perfect” profile, only for you to realize they’re more Photoshop than flesh and blood.
Classic Ghosting
When someone vanishes entirely from your interaction. This can happen anywhere from initial chatting to in the middle of a six-month relationship. Ghosting is a harmful form of social rejection that can leave lasting scars. It’s happened to me seven times in the last year. It sucks.
Cloaking
Cloaking in modern dating is when someone you’ve been talking to suddenly disappears without a trace, like they’ve activated some sort of invisibility cloak and vanished into thin air.
Cobwebbing
Removing the relics of your past relationship so that you can move on. Throw out the keepsakes, block their number, unfriend them on social media, and keep on keeping on.
Cockblocking Yourself
When a someone has a chance at sex but behaves like an idiot and loses that chance.
Cockfishing
Cockfishing happens when someone tries to impress you with an overly enhanced or misleading photo of their “assets,” only for the real thing to be substantially different. Dudes, hear me now: most women don’t care about size, but when you do this, you make it really fucking weird.
Consciously Single
Occurs when you’re happily flying solo, dodging all the drama, and actively choosing peace over scrolling through endless dating apps for that “perfect” person.
Cookie Jarring
Cookie jarring in modern dating is when someone keeps you as their sweet backup option, just in case things don’t work out with their main crush. You’re not the dessert, you’re the crumbs. It stings.
Cuffing Season
Cuffing season occurs in the fall when the weather gets colder, and suddenly everyone is looking for someone to Netflix-and-chill with.
Cushioning
Cushioning is when someone keeps a few backup options on standby, just in case their main interest doesn’t work out — like they’re preparing for a soft landing, just in case.
Cyberflashing
Cyberflashing occurs when someone sends you unsolicited explicit photos out of nowhere. Cool if that’s built into your dynamic, not cool otherwise.
Daterview
A daterview happens when a date feels more like a job interview, with endless questions about your life, goals, and future plans — minus the salary offer.
Dial Toning
Dialtoning is when you give someone your phone number, only to completely ignore their attempts to contact you once they reach out.
Dry Dating
Dry dating is meeting someone without the crutch of alcohol — you’re vibing off each other, not that drink in your hand.
Eclipsing
Eclipsing in dating is when someone starts adopting their partner’s interests, hobbies, and even friend groups so much that they start to lose sight of their own identity.
Eco-Dumping
Eco dumping occurs when someone breaks up with you for being “bad for the planet.”
Firedooring
This occurs when all the access and effort in a relationship comes from one person, and any attempt to make it a two-way street gets shut down. Everything happens on one person’s terms.
Flashpanning
Flashpanning is when someone overwhelms you with excitement and attention at first, but vanishes once things get real, leaving you confused and hurt when they can’t handle the reality of a serious relationship. I get flash-panned all the time. I hate it.
Freckling
The summer version of cuffing season, this happens when someone is only looking to connect in the fair weather months.
Green Flags
Green flags in modern dating are those little signs that someone might actually be worth your time, like showing up on time, texting back thoughtfully, and not having a secret family you didn’t know about.
Groundhogging
Groundhogging occurs when you keep dating the same type of person over and over, expecting a different outcome, like you’re stuck in a rom-com time loop where nothing ever changes.
GYAT
This is slang for when you see an attractive person, particularly one with a big butt. Saying this out loud is also an excellent way to embarrass your teenage children.
Hard Launch
Hard launching in modern dating is when you announce your relationship with all the fanfare — think Instagram posts, couple selfies, and maybe even a “we’re official” status — like it’s a major product drop.
Haunting
Haunting occurs when someone who ghosted you suddenly pops up in your life again by liking your posts or watching your stories, like they’re lurking in the background, too afraid to text but still keeping tabs. It is incredibly annoying.
Ick
The “ick” is that sudden, cringe-worthy moment when someone does something minor — like chewing too loudly or using a weird nickname — that nonetheless instantly turns you off.
Incel
An Incel in modern dating is someone who’s convinced that their lack of romantic success is because the world (translation: women) owes them love, but they’re too busy blaming everyone else to actually, you know, put in the effort.
Kittenfishing
Kittenfishing occurs when someone tweaks their profile or pictures just enough to make themselves seem cuter or more interesting than they actually are. It’s a less dramatic form of catfishing.
Left on Read
Left on read means that someone sees your message and doesn’t respond, leaving you staring at the screen wondering if they’re busy or just avoiding you.
Marley-ing
Named after Jacob Marley from A Christmas Carol, Marley-ing is when an ex suddenly resurfaces around Christmas after being MIA for ages, like they’re haunting you with a holiday comeback.
Microcheating
Microcheating refers to actions that aren’t technically cheating but hint at emotional or romantic attraction outside of a committed relationship, like sending flirty texts, having secretive social media exchanges, or staying overly close with exes.
Orbiting
Orbiting is when someone stops direct communication but continues to engage with your social media posts, keeping themselves in your online orbit without making any real effort to connect. I really hate this one. It’s very much a “I don’t want you, but don’t you forget about me!”
Paperclipping
Paperclipping is like that guy you dated a few times who suddenly resurfaces months later with a random “how are you?” — much like “Clippy,” the Microsoft paperclip, popping up uninvited with unsolicited advice.
Phubbing
Phubbing (a portmanteau of ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’) is when you’re more into your phone than the person you’re talking to, basically snubbing them with your screen.
Pink Flags
Pink flags in dating are those little warning signs that aren’t big enough to call red yet, but you definitely notice them, like when they say “I’m not into labels” right before you define your relationship.
Pocketing
Also known as stashing, this occurs when someone you are dating keeps you hidden from their friends, family, and social media — basically, you’re their secret, and it never feels great.
Polter-ghosting
Polter-ghosting occurs when someone ghosts you in real life by not showing up to a date you both confirmed.
Red Flags
Red flags in dating are like those pop-up ads you can’t click away from — big, obvious, and impossible to ignore, like when they say they worship Andrew Tate.
Roaching
Roaching in dating happens when someone has been sneaking around with multiple people but acts like you’re the only one.
Sigma
Envisions themselves as a mysterious lone wolf. Like an alpha, they are also unaware that alpha/ sigma/ omega hierarchical rankings were coined for chickens. Probably not as cool as they think they are.
Situationship
A situationship occurs when you’re more than friends but not a couple, with no clear labels or commitment.
Smash
If someone asks you to smash, they are asking you for casual sex.
Snack
Calling someone a snack is to call them attractive — someone you’d like to take a bite out of.
Sneaky Link
A “sneaky link” means hanging out with someone secretly, without others knowing.
Soft Ghosting/ Slow Fading
Soft ghosting, or slow fading, is when someone gradually reduces communication over time, becoming less responsive and distant without officially ending things, leaving you unsure of where you stand.
Soft Launching
Soft launching a relationship is when you hint at being in one without giving away any details.
Spearfishing
This involves using one’s social media presence to specifically attract or catch the attention of one person.
Submarining
When someone who previously disappeared without explanation suddenly resurfaces, acting as though nothing happened, as if they never ghosted you in the first place.
Textlationship
This is a relationship or connection between people who text often but hardly, if ever, see each other in person.
Thirsty
If someone is acting thirsty, they’re coming across as overly eager or desperate for attention and validation.
Tinselling
When your relationship has hit a rough patch, but you hide it from others by smoothing over the cracks and pretending that everything is fine.
Untyping
If you try dating someone who isn’t your usual type, then you are untyping.
Wokefishing
A wokefish will tell you what you want to hear regarding your worldview. They might not actually agree with your stances, but they will pretend they do to gain access to you.
Zombie-ing
Occurs when someone who previously ghosted you suddenly reappears out of nowhere, as if they were never gone, expecting things to pick up where they left off. Similar to haunting but happens after more time (months or years) has passed.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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