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This morning I saw a social media post from an online acquaintance sharing her excitement over an upcoming visit from her long-distance boyfriend.
This hurt, because you see, her boyfriend was once my situationship. He didn’t treat me well, but knowing that now doesn’t negate the fact that my feelings for him were real. The echo of those emotions will always live in my bones; for me, it is impossible to spend a year and a half in any kind of relationship without opening your heart and soul.
This situationship and I once had a conversation in which I asked why he would not even consider officially dating me. I was told that he just “had a mental barrier” around having an “official” relationship with me (yes, I know better now.) He “just couldn’t put his finger on it” but there was a “disconnect” — and please keep in mind here that there was no “disconnect” when we were both naked in bed. Still, he just “didn’t feel that click.”
This is all frequently followed up by watching the person telling me this seeking a connection with someone younger. Someone without such a strong personality. Someone more inclined to go with the flow.
I’m not a stupid woman, and I’m very aware that sometimes that click just doesn’t manifest. Being demisexual, however, by definition there has to be a connection before I feel interest or attraction. Thanks to childhood trauma, I am also overly attuned to the nuances of how I am seen by others — in other words, whether you’re feeling me or not, I usually know. Despite both of these things, this is something I’ve heard before — “I just don’t know why, but I can’t connect with you on that level.” Sometimes they ghost to avoid the discussion. This is all frequently followed up by watching the person telling me this seeking a connection with someone younger. Someone without such a strong personality. Someone more inclined to go with the flow.
My observation? Those who have told me they “just have a disconnect” have done so not because the connection between us does not exist, but because I’m “too much”, and by “too much” I mean that I am not easy. I expect to be treated well. I expect respect. I expect communication. I expect effort. I expect that you will understand that I will not tarnish my shine to help you polish up your own. The things I expect mean that others might have to take a look at themselves, and many — so, so many — are unwilling or unable to do that.
All of this said, being told that someone just can’t connect with you despite the very obvious existence of one really hurts. This kind of repeated, wishy-washy rejection leaves a toll. You start to feel crazy, like you’re not worth the effort. You feel as though there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Thing is, their “inability to connect” with you is likely unwillingness more than an actual barrier, and it says a whole lot more about them than it does about you.
It certainly doesn’t mean that you should shrink yourself into someone’s preconceived notion of who you should be.
When watching someone who “couldn’t” connect with you pursue someone else, it’s easy to wonder what they have that you don’t. Why her and not me? And in truth, there’s a good chance that she demands less. That might work for her, but that doesn’t mean it needs to work for you. It doesn’t mean that you are wrong for asking for what you want and need. It certainly doesn’t mean that you should shrink yourself into someone’s preconceived notion of who you should be.
You are not too much.
You are not crazy or hysterical or demanding or wrong or not enough or clingy or needy or bad or unworthy or incapable of connecting.
You’re not too much.
You are exactly the right amount of you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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The post Why Your Inability to Connect Does Not Define My Worth appeared first on The Good Men Project.