A lover disappears. Without warning. Oh, the agony. You’ll never know exactly why they left. What you did. What happened?

It’s all a guessing game in affair land.

Did I say something wrong? Probably.
Am I ugly? (probably, lol)
Were they caught? Probably.

What are the levels of ghosting?

Let me share.

Level 1: “Casper the Friendly Ghost”

Typically disappearing in the “get to know you” stage or following a picture exchange. They often pay you a compliment or two before vanishing. Hence, the friendly part.

“You’re really cute!”
“I like your eyes.”

Brace yourself. IT’S OVER BEFORE IT BEGAN.

Level 1.25: “The Ghostly Relative”

You look just like my husband/brother/father/uncle/high school math teacher.

The bottom line is a no-go. I can’t imagine fucking you.

Been there.

“You look too much like my hubby,” I’ve said to a guy online once.

“Tell me what I have to change. My hair? My clothes? I’ll fix that!”

It’s not so easy to find a solution. I’m cheating to find a man who turns me ON. Not a replica of dear old sexless spouse.

Level 1.5: “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”

You knew this one was going to disappear, judging by the many holes in the bedsheet.

“Oh, you listen to death metal bands.”
“Oh, you like Fox News?”
“Oh, you don’t believe in glass ceilings?”

It’s more like uh-oh.

That’s all you need to know. And all you get is a rock.

Level 2: “Patrick Swayze”

They disappear after an extended period of chatting. You feel all comfortable knowing what each other does for work and fun. “I like them!” you think. And he’s handsome!

You haven’t met YET. The key word is yet.
You are excited at the prospect.

He may have been a figment of your imagination because he disappeared without a trace. “Now do you believe in ghosts?” says Sam Wheat in Ghost.

Yes, I do. And I might take up pottery and wear white tank tops without a bra.

Level 2.1: “The AA Ghost”

Professing a hate for all ghosts. Denounces them.
“I would never ghost.”
“Isn’t that horrible?”
“I think that’s abhorrent!”
“Ghosting is just wrong.”

And then they do.

That’s all, folks.

Level 2.5: “The Scooby Doo”

This one disappears after it comes to light that they aren’t who they said they were.

Zoinks! “Come on, let’s get out of here while we still can!” says Fred in every episode.

Jinky, it looks like we got ourselves a mystery. You don’t need to be Thelma to figure that out.

Level 3: “The Poltergeist”

This one disappears before or right after having a date with you. Which is worse? They both suck in different ways.

“Are we still meeting?”
“Oh, was that today?”

“Maybe we can get together again?”
“Lemme check my calendar….”

Debatable as to which is worse.
Super annoying, to say the least.

Level 3.75: “The Halley’s Comet”

They come and go on a predictable schedule. Like when they are horny.

“So, you around?”

Why, yes, sir, I wait with bated breath for your two-week texts. I look forward to those three magical words. More than you can possibly imagine. Just tell me when and where!

Level 4: “Slimer”

Chats you up, has sex, and disappears.

They are just here to fuck with you, both literally and figuratively. Also, know to reappear later. I like to call them the “submariners” who periscope up when it’s convenient to them.

“U up?”

Classic underwater move.

Level 5: “The Sixth Sense”

Unfathomable love. Passionate and unbelievable sex. Years of emotional investment. You shared every aspect of your lives, and poof!

They are gone.

You see dead people now.
“How often do you see them?”
“All the time. They’re everywhere.”

This is the most tragic Ghoster, after all. You’ll be living in the land of the dead for a long while.

Level 69: “Takeaway Ghost after Sexy Times”

“You hungry?”
“Yeah! Are you?”

Takeaway food and SEX. Ah. Life is indeed good. And may neither disappear unexpectedly. May you orgasm and have all the fried rice you want.

These are some of the classifications of Ghosters according to r/adultery and its denizens. I just elaborate on the idiocy (‘cause I’m special like that).

Adapted from u/garthvader47 and a r/adultery post.