So I live in an apartment building, a very beautiful apartment building.
For the last 2 years, I have been acquaintances with this guy I see every so often in common areas, meaning, we say Hi to each other, perhaps talk about the weather and then go our separate ways.
He has always seemed very affable, very nice and he is quite handsome. Imagine a jock in high school turned successful professional. I am pretty sure he has women falling over him. He also seemed to be well-regarded by mutual acquaintances.
About a month ago, I was in the building’s gym and he stopped by to also get his workout on. This time around, for the first time ever, he asked me out. Actually, he asked me if I ever checked out the restaurants in the area, and I said that I rarely do because I hate going to fancy places alone- I’d rather go to another city and eat alone 
He responded that he was also looking for someone to go to restaurants with and would like to take me out. He also asked me for my phone number, which I happily gave him.
I’d admit, I was flattered. He is what many women would objectively consider a catch. He had also APPROACHED ME AND ASKED ME FOR MY NUMBER. This happens so rarely in the wild, that when it actually occurs, it feels so good.
Later that evening, say around 7 pm, he calls me as I was running errands and we chat for about an hour. In that discussion, I mention that I’m certified in one particular exercise methodology and he jumps on that and starts pressuring me to teach him. Now, I am not currently teaching any classes because I not only do not have time, but I am also undergoing some physical therapy due to overuse of a key limb. I try to gently let him know that I don’t really have time to teach now and try to recommend other places he could take classes but he kept switching it back to me teaching him. This was the first time he and I have had a real conversation in the 2 years I’ve known him and he was being insistent that I teach him?
Que!
He then modifies his original restaurant proposal. He tells me that in exchange for teaching him classes, he would take me out for dinner.
Red Flag Number 1
How are you going to convert your restaurant offer to something transactional?
I say nothing and just laugh it off.
The next time we connected, we were chatting about general life events when he suddenly mentioned how he used to get horny as a teen.
Red Flag Number 2
Sexual language too soon.
I changed the subject and we continued on, but inside I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
First, his pushiness at wanting me to teach him, then turning a regular conversation into something sexual.
Was this man like other guys?
Was pain inevitable?
Again, I brushed it off.
The next time he tried to chat with me, it was around midnight. I was fast asleep and didn’t see his message until the next morning, which was when I responded. He didn’t respond that morning or that afternoon.
He waited until it was close to midnight to respond and try to initiate a conversation.
Two back-to-back midnight conversations?
At this point, I could no longer ignore the third red flag waving in my face.
The next morning I responded and for the first time with him, decided to place a boundary.
I texted him “Hey X, I notice you’ve been writing me around midnight. I usually don’t answer texts around that time because I’m fast asleep. I also have my phone set up so that I don’t get alerts after 10 pm. Can you try contacting me earlier in the evening?”
His response: Crickets.
I never heard anything back from him.
The next time I saw him in the elevator, you’d have thought we were strangers. He responded to my greeting very coldly.
I knew what my sin was.
I’d dared to state a preference, express a boundary in terms of when I should be contacted and that was a No-No.
I don’t doubt that he’s used to getting his own way and so coming across a woman who wouldn’t let him do as he pleased, was not acceptable. He was going to punish me.
I deleted his number.
I realize that the ability of a woman to state her own needs and preferences is rejected and punished by some men. It’s like they want a woman who will just agree to any kind of behavior, including downright disrespectful behavior.
I’m sorry, but I refuse to be in any kind of relationship where I won’t have a voice.
Being a handsome and successful man is all well and good, but what’s even more important to me is how you treat me.
That’s what will determine our longevity.
I may be single as hell and unhappy about it sometimes, but that state is still very much preferable to being in any “relationship” where I feel like a second-class citizen, where I’m walking on eggshells and cannot use my voice.
I am also not looking for a hookup.
I want a man who cherishes me and treats me well from Day 1.
The search continues.
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Previously Published on Medium
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