Guys, it’s happened again, but this time, I was prepared. And I don’t mean having sex.
I talked to a guy for about a month, frankly because he looked very hot and very tall (which, considering I am 5’10’’ is a great characteristic to possess), and he offered to meet me in Greece for a 4 day vacation.
I checked with my guy best friend on what he thought would be the best option and he said absolutely not. Okay.
I got back to London and on the first night back decided to hop on two different tube lines south of Clapham Junction to meet with — let’s call him- Bob. For non-Londoners, that’s a 1 hour tube commute to go on a date. Wow to me.
I enter the pub, I spot him and we begin chatting away about our lives. In summary, he was a much worse version of my ex: arrogant, not particularly interesting, not brilliantly smart, quite negative and critical towards almost everything and everybody he spoke about. That said, he was cute and an hour into dinner he warmed up to me and became quite sweet and let’s face it, I was in need of male energy.
We left the pub he grabbed my hand and invited me over for a glass of wine. I didn’t actually realize he meant he wanted to have a glass of wine at his place but I quickly realized the situation as we were walking down a dark empty road that this was the case.
I am a very physical person and the one thing I still have not figured out how to do is go about life without touching, hugging, holding hands with another individual. It’s truly not about the sex, more about the touch (on top of many other things I miss when I’m single). The prospect of going to this stranger’s house was not as compelling or as exciting as I thought it would feel. I wasn’t nervous, I didn’t have jitters, however I truly felt serene about my crazy choice. I messaged a friend to say where I was going and off I went, to the flat of a stranger.
He opened a bottle of wine, turned on some music, kissed me very sweetly and proceeded to hold me in his arms while we talked about music. It was actually very nice. I needed that hug.
I didn’t recognize those hands, those lips, that voice, but on some level it had a warm feel to it. After about an hour of listening to music and sharing life stories I had some of the wildest sex I have ever had. I wish I hadn’t told anyone about the blog so I could share more insights with you, however I can tell you that this guy was full on and very creative.
So many things were going through my mind:
- Should I be feeling guilty for sleeping with a stranger?
- I saw many red flags, I cannot get attached!
- Should I go home?
- Am I going to feel terrible about this tomorrow?
- Am I having fun?
- Is this really what I wanted?
- I haven’t spoken at all about relationships with this guy, shouldn’t I have at least mentioned that this is not a typical Wednesday evening for me?
- He must think I am crazy, he just mentioned that I am impulsive!
Let me open a parenthesis, I hate one night stands. It is never ever my intention to sleep with someone only once, I am a romantic, whatever crazy adventure I get myself into I think — who knows where it will lead. I do think that every relationship can start in a different way so sometimes I jump in head first.
This was different. I felt stupid giving an ‘I never do this kind of thing’ speech. I was hoping he would just get it, I was hoping he wouldn’t judge me on this since he was also in it with me, I was hoping the month we spent talking before meeting would count for something. Even though I wasn’t sold on him, I was hoping he was sold on me. A bit unfair, I know. In my mind this was going to be a ‘let’s see what happens if we date for a bit’ kind of situation. That said, I never communicated this to him explicitly, and this is on me.
What can I say my friends, it was a fantastic evening, it was just what I needed, so I decided to sleep in Bob’s arms as if we had been together forever.
The staged home effect
Solitude does this to you, you get so used to being emotionally detached and to being alone that you master an ability to take any scraps of emotion and turn them into a staged home.
A staged home looks beautiful, the furniture is new, white, chic, more expensive than you probably could afford. It looks ready for you to move in but you know you can’t. You have to be so careful not to mess it up as that furniture doesn’t belong neither to you nor to the agent showing you the property. It’s there just to show you how amazing life could be like if only you had a home like this.
Yes, this was a staged home situation. I was in his flat, hence the intimacy, he held me as if I were a girlfriend, which made me feel wanted and in a way I felt loved for the time being, though I perfectly well know that is not the case. He was very attentive however he allowed himself to be free and wild, so I felt the freedom to do so as well.
Everything felt perfect, but I well knew that it wasn’t mine. I wasn’t his either. We were playing pretend relationship, we were well into the ‘staged home effect’.
The morning after
The morning after is the real tough spot. I am so outgoing I am never awkward, however he got up and had to hop on a conference call for three hours approximately 10 minutes after the third alarm went off.
We kissed goodbye while I still had to shower because he wasn’t going to be available.
I left in a great mood, we messaged when I got home an hour later and I called my girlfriends to tell them about the crazy night I just had. I sincerely at this point thought, who knows, maybe this will be a great dating situation.
Two days later
Two days went by and still no news. I’m a modern woman, I thought, so I sent a sweet quick and easy text in the morning. Nothing.
Three days later
No news, he posts a concert video, I message to ask how the concert was (which he had told me about during the date) and no response at all.
The post-ghosting message
I wasn’t sure of whether I should write or not. I don’t necessarily feel the need to however I do feel some sort of responsibility towards the next women he will date, a responsibility for us to take care of each other and try to do our best to make sure that shit situations are not perpetuated. A responsibility to call out someone who has done something hurtful, maybe just to help him understand how his actions have affected us.
I drafted a message and it goes like this:
Bob,
I’m 35, I know I took a risk meeting with you for the first time and leaving any rational thought behind to have the night we had. You don’t know me so you obviously can’t know but I opened myself up to you in a way I normally don’t.
You said I’m impulsive, in reality, not really. I am a romantic, I thought there may be reason to be. I allowed myself to leave behind the box of my own limits. It was really fun to be honest, though seeing how it ended, I’m not sure I would repeat it.
Not replying to a message that was a hello, just to check up on how you are, is so strange to me. I tried to think of whether I may have said or done something wrong, I hope that’s not the case.
I’m okay, but I wanted to tell you this because maybe it will spare someone else the experience I had.
Though we may have met on an app, I am a real person, with real feelings, I think we are all out there looking for something that will make us happy, even if it ends up being just a fleeting moment. Apparently ‘ghosting’ happens, however it left me puzzled and a bit hurt.
It’s not about dating or not, having feelings or not, but about showing someone the basic respect you have towards any person you interact with, especially one who puts themselves out there to meet you with the best intentions at heart.
I’m sorry if I expressed myself in such an unclear way. Maybe part of me was hoping you would understand I was like this from the time we spent chatting. Part of me was hoping you would find that ‘me’ I had been hiding behind this ‘cool’ mask for fear of getting hurt.
Kindness is always the better way.
I wish you so much happiness and to find all that you are looking for.
I talked to a hot guy to ask him for the male perspective
I spoke with my best friend and asked him what his thoughts on this were. By the way, I didn’t have the courage to tell him I was ghosted again.
He said that writing to someone we like, even for a month, is foreplay. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything more than that. Once he has sex, at times he’s perfectly fine with that being it and never speaking to the person again. He doesn’t feel any sort of connection.
It’s not so much about sex on the first date, he said, it’s about the intensity of the bond or things you speak about.
My friend is certainly someone who would never judge a woman based on what she chooses to do sexually on a date, so he’s not your average guy.
As always, it comes down to self-awareness. You need to know deep within your core if you are someone who is able to have detached sex or not. If you are able to walk away the next day and feel okay with never speaking to that person again or not.
Is ghosting okay?
Let me start off with a personal annotation: how much of a looser can you be to ghost after a night of sex in your 30’s and 40’s?
If you haven’t read it, take 3 minutes out of your day and read this:
In my experience, ghosting is a massive lack of respect.
The funny part is that even the worst ghosters will contact you again, so what was the use of it in the first place?
As my friend famously said, ‘those who don’t die return’. In fact, the guy in this article, Alain, came back last week asking me out on a date. Don’t worry, I have no intention of going and here is why.
To quote a passage from the article:
I like to imagine Alain is currently living in the magic world of hair ties and socks. The best part of this world, is that in the rare event hair ties, socks and men decide to return to real life, it’s never before a few years have past. Typically they pop out of the most unexpected places and they are covered in dust, old, warn out and thought they truly seemed spectacular at the time, all you want to do at this point, is throw them in the bin. Typically you had long forgotten they existed by then and you could care less about their existence now.
That’s how I know almost for certain that even Bob will be back, once again, once it’s way too late. For now, I can’t help wondering what prevented him from responding to a very chill text.
Should we have sex on a first date?
There is no rule, no right and wrong. I hope we can remove judgment over our sexual choices and those of the people around us.
I cannot advise anyone on what to do, it’s such a personal decision, however I will share my learnings from this experience.
Whilst sex on the first on the first date once in a while can be spontaneous and fun and incredibly wild and sexy, one night stands are not for me.
My personal take on it is: yes to sex on the first date, no to one night stands. However unfortunately I learned that sex on the first date is likely to lead to a one night stand which completely ruins the whole experience for me.
I also felt a lot of judgment from his part in seeing that without setting clear rules I would choose to jump in this wild night with him. In a way, my bad, I should have been more clear. Personally, I have only done this very few times in my life, but even if I did this all the time, should we be judged on this? Should we be treated with disrespect for this? Truly? Weren’t we both there, in that room, making that decision?
Before casting a judgment on his disrespectful ghosting behavior I want to say something in his favor: he had no idea that I am actually someone who is looking for a relationship, he didn’t know that I am someone who is actually quite serious, he didn’t know about all of that chatter that was taking place inside my head.
In truth, I had four really sad days, maybe a week of sad days following this date. I was extremely disappointed and I felt humiliated and disrespected for being treated this way.
Okay, so you didn’t want to start something. Not a problem, but why disappear? Why not make this a pleasant memory for us both?
This guy for reference is 40 years old. Can someone at this age still not know how to be respectful towards a woman?
Though I have had bad first date sex experiences luckily I have also dated someone I had sex with on a first date and almost fell in love with them. You truly never know.
I cannot say never again, however I have opted for a completely different dating approach now, keeping this fabulous positive energy and all this love I have to give to myself a bit more.
As my sister-in-law-to-be taught me, instead of going out there with all this unexpressed love at hand and handing it out to strangers, I will take a part of this beautiful love and use it for myself. For now, sex will be reserved for someone who actually sees me.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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The post Sex On the First Date: Yes or No? appeared first on The Good Men Project.