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Ghosting. No, it’s not dressing up and pretending to be a ghost. That’s limited to Halloween and reserved for the spirits who choose to haunt us from beyond.
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Yet, in this world of social media, online dating, texting, and emailing, ghosting is the word, is the word, is the word, is the word (sang to the tune of Grease). However, it’s not a happy little musical ditty. Far from it. Ghosting is a cowardly way of not showing up, being present, and communicating when the communication road, relationship, or situation gets tough.
Right? You’ve been there? Had it done to you? Done it to someone? Just thinking about it causes the skin to crawl, that is if you are human! Guys, and gals for that matter, with no morals, no sense of sensitivity, no care for others, are the masters of GHOSTING, or is it something more? It absolutely is something more, but let’s first define GHOSTING.
Ghosting – the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
Sounds down right cowardly, and in many cases it is. However, let’s not rush to judgment. All of those characteristics – no morals, insensitive, me, me, me focused – are true about most GHOSTERS. In fact, some GHOSTERS wear those traits as badges of honor, along with being narcissistic. And then, there are the others.
What others you may ask? The others that just might resemble you and your own actions.
1. Shut up rather than put up guy. These guys don’t know how to properly handle uncomfortable situations or to communicate, so they just stop communicating. Their map of reality says, when the going gets tough, shut up.
2. Confidence eludes him guy. A lot of men feel good as long as their gremlin voice keeps it zipped, but the moment they feel the slightest incompetence about anything they are doing with someone or a situation arises which trashes their self-esteem, they get in their head, see themselves for what they aren’t and shut down. Ironically, the shutdown, leads to ghosting town, all in the name of lack of self-confidence.
3. Head in sand, ghost on the rise, guy. We’ve all done it. Ignored something rather than deal with it. Heck I shove my fat cells in the back corner of the closet all the time rather than acknowledging they need to be dealt with. A ghoster who really has good intentions about doing something, but just can’t seem to commit to it, often just ignores the situation hoping it will go away. Doesn’t make it any righter, but how you do anything is how you do everything.
4. That runner guy. These are the guys that like to run, and not for marathon purposes. They run because they can, and it’s easier than to face the music, be honest, or admit that they really never were seriously interested.
5. Fear monsters guy. Oy vey. For these poor souls, fear has got a hold on them and it won’t let go. The clutches of the past, and the gargoyles of the future, keep them from seeing that the present is where it’s at, so they disappear like a ghost.
All of these identities then beg the question guys, “Why do you really ghost?” The real reason, not these excuses that can be worked around. Why do you really, really, really ghost?
If you are a…
1. Shut up rather than put up guy… Its time face your demons and stop zipping it when the going gets tough. Learn to say what’s on your mind, confront your fears, and don’t let your family blueprint of how to communicate hold you hostage. Dig in, and little by little start stepping into uncomfortable situations and say something instead of clamming up. Trust that your words will come to you and don’t be combative.
2. Confidence eludes him guy…. Tell your gremlin to take a hike. In fact, before you do that, sit down with your gremlin voice and have a chat. Ask him “Why do you do this to me? What pleasure do you get out of sabotaging my confidence? How does killing my confidence serve me?” These simple open-ended questions will help you kick your gremlins butt out of the picture by getting to the heart of the answers.
3. Head in sand, ghost on the rise, guy… Realize that ignoring something won’t make it go away. In fact, the good old universe is going to keep bringing these situations to you in different ways until you learn the lesson of no longer hiding from the things that you need to confront, deal with, and learn from. So why not just pull your ignoring head out of the sand, and deal with it, learn the lesson and move on.
4. That runner guy… Then it is time to run into, rather than away from, what makes you sweat. When you break a good sweat about with a person or situation that makes you want to ghost, it’s like shedding 50 pounds of dead weight, which is why many people run…to shed weight they don’t need. Metaphorically speaking, if you want to shed the weight of ghosting, run with enthusiasm into the stuff that scares the crap out of you and see how m uch lighter you feel.
5. Fear monsters guy… Just remember that fear is only as big as you make it. Fear is also only a fear until you walk into it and through it. Think of fear like that first time you walked into gym class and you had to change clothes and get butt naked in front of all the guys. I know, a painful memory for some of us, but the truth is, once you did it, you did it. It may have still been painful, but you did get through it. Of course, you still may be talking about that with your therapist, but the point is you confronted your fear, walked through it and are still standing.
If you think it is cool to ghost because you are just not man enough to do anything but shut up, let your gremlin take over, lower your confidence, put your head in the sand, run, or let fear rule just remember there’s someone out there just waiting to shut up, let their gremlin take over, lower their confidence, put their head in the sand, run and let their fear rule who will ghost you…and how is that going to make you feel?
Or you can always remember the Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!
Don’t be a cowardly ghosting communicator, be your own super hero and man up and be honest…no ghosting necessary.
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