This might be a controversial opinion, but if I had to pick which is worse: getting over a breakup or getting over someone who ghosted you, I would unequivocally say the latter.
I’m not to say that breakups are easy- they aren’t. It’s just that with break-ups there’s some finality; a semblance of closure. On the other hand, you don’t get that same courtesy when someone ghosts you.
You just end up sitting around wondering ‘what the hell happened!?’
If this scenario sounds all-too-familiar to you, then join the club. I think we’ve all got those infuriating people in our lives that we just can’t seem to get over, myself included.
This summer, I spent an embarrassing amount of time seeking out dating and relationship advice on the internet. I was single and living alone during a global pandemic; there was really no better time to get to the bottom of my dating woes.
And that’s when I stumbled upon a psychotherapy strategy called redirection and decided to try it out for myself.
After implementing it for only a couple of weeks, I could already tell that this one was a game-changer. Now, eight months on, I can stay with complete certainty that this is hands-down the best way to get over someone who ghosts you (and frankly, any other major disappointment that life throws at you.)
It’s a pretty simple strategy at its core, but it works. In fact, it helped me get over someone that I’d been hung up on for far longer than I will ever care to admit.
The Hard Truth
Hopefully, by now you’ve realized that it’s time to move on. However, in my experience, passive acknowledgment of this fact isn’t enough to put you on the right track towards truly moving on.
You tell yourself things like “it just takes time” or “I’ll get over him when I meet someone else.” While these thoughts may be valid, there’s a far more effective way to get over someone than waiting it out or downloading Tinder.
Every relationship guru and their mother will give you the same advice: focus on yourself.
This is great advice. And while I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment, I also think that it should be followed up with some clearly defined, actionable steps.
This is where redirection comes in.
Using the Power of Redirection to Your Advantage
Redirection is ‘‘the process by which a therapist or counselor redirects or refocuses a client’s behavior, attention, or thought processes from maladaptive thoughts or behaviors to more adaptive ones.’ Basically, it’s a technique that allows you to divert your focus from negative dwelling to positive thoughts and behaviors.
Great, but how exactly do you apply this to your own life?
Well, the application is simple, but it does take effort.
Step 1: Create a Master List
You’re going to start by creating a master list of things to do that relate to your goals and objectives in life. You can even create different categories for yourself. Your categories might look something like ‘social,’ ‘health & fitness,’ ‘financial,’ and ‘career,’ for example.
Basically, create a personal development to-do list. Just start brain-dumping every little to-do you can think of on to your list.
For example:
- Reformat your resume
- Listen to a podcast
- Put on a workout video
- Go through your closet and donate unworn clothes to charity
- Take a solo road trip
- Check-in with a friend you haven’t talked to in a while
- Take an online course
- Take on a new volunteer project
You should be more specific than this with your list, but you get the idea. Write down as many things you can think of. Include things that will make you a better, more skilled, more dynamic, and more compassionate individual. Include both big projects and small tasks. Most of all, include things that give you a strong sense of purpose.
Add to your list whenever inspiration strikes.
Step 2: Refer to the List as Necessary
Keep your list nearby. Whenever you start to think about that person, pull it out and pick something to do right then and there. Naturally, the whole idea is to redirect your focus in a positive way.
Thinking about that person at 9 PM on a Wednesday?
Don’t sob your eyes out to Lewis Capaldi. Listen to an empowering podcast from your list instead.
Thinking about them at 11 AM on a Sunday?
Don’t try to manifest a text. Go for a run and sweat it out.
Thinking about them at 7 PM on a Friday?
Don’t drink half a bottle of wine and send a drunk text. Spend the evening working on a passion project.
I know it sounds intuitive, but having the list to refer to in a pinch can make all the difference. Cancel your pity party and grab a pen and paper instead (or use the notes app on your phone.)
Whether you have 15 minutes or an entire day ahead of you, there should be a few things on your list that you can do in that time to positively redirect your focus.
I know that this list sounds like a lot of work, but major personal growth usually is. However, the beauty of this list is that it becomes your own personal guide on how to fill your life with meaningful activities.
Eventually, you’ll become so fully engaged with the items on your list that you won’t have room in your life for people who don’t actively want to be there.
And that, in a nutshell, is exactly how to get over someone who ghosted you.
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Previously published on medium
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